It has come to my attention that a great number of you have been actively listening to albums by Dashboard Confessional. I can only assume that this is because, as punks, it's difficult for you to become exposed to folk and other forms of acoustic music due to it's somewhat underground nature and it's lack of representation in the punk community. This is understandable. However, one should never go to such extreme lengths as actually PURCHASING and LISTENING TO a Dashboard Confessional album. As desperate for lovelorn acoustic music as you may be, this only proves hazardous to your sanity and the well being of people around you. But never fear, for I have the solution.
STEP ONE: Take those Dashboard albums, plus your tape of his preformance on MTV Unplugged, plus that lame shirt of his, and set them up in a sort of shrine in your back yard.
STEP TWO: Burn the shrine. Burn it good.
STEP THREE: You reek like watered-down mall-emo. Dogs and other animals can smell this and will attack you without provocation. Wash your hands THOROUGHLY with soap and water. If you haven't showered in the past hour, this would be a god time to do that as well.
STEP FOUR: Go to your local independant music store and pick up as many albums by the Mountain Goats as you can carry in your frail, tract mark infested arms. Pay for the records (or compact discs, whichever you feel more comfortable with). If your town has no independant record stores, drive to one that does or, if you live in a remote area, order them online.
STEP FIVE: Return home and listen to your new music collection on repeat until you pass out. Do this for the next several days until you have learned to appreciate what acoustic music sounds like when the preformer isn't trying to dupe you into spending money on his crap.
If you happen to hear a song by Dashboard Confessional again on the radio or MTV after you have completed steps four and five, do not panic. Simply remove yourself from the enviroment that is forcing such drek upon you and get some fresh air. Everything is going to be okay from here on out.