March 5th, 2006

hell's kitten

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.

The seesaw is tipping towards SFSDF again....

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself
how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before,
and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find
that I should be the one behind the wheel.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be
one of the hive will I choose water over wine
and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find
that when I drive myself my light is found.
  • Current Music
    Incubus - Drive
your life is ending

If I'm not dead enough for life, am I alive enough for death?

I have two main choices: go to SFSDF now, or finish UBC. Finishing UBC in time, I figured out, means a completely full workload both years and summer classes both summers. I dont want to give in to the idea that it's too hard, but I'm too worried I'll burn out, mentally and financially, and it wont get me very far to getting me the career I want.

So after stressing out about all this, I called my mom who was very comforting, and gave me a few things to think about, but mostly couldnt say much more than "go take a walk, clear your head, and relax." So I decided to go to the beach and watch the sunset. I had planned on taking the path I'd been down before, the one involving 400 steps. You see, between the road that circles the perimeter of the land and the beach is a couple hundred feet of cliffs. There's a few official trails that have had steps built into them, and benches along the way to rest at.

Before I reached my intended trail, I noticed this other unofficial sorta trail, and decided to follow it through the bushes and trees. The trail disappeared fairly quickly, but I thought I saw a way to get down to the beach, and decided to be adventurous and try to get down that way. I slid/climbed down the cliffs, through thorny bushes and menacing plants, and almost made it to the bottom, but reached a point where I would fall many many feet if I tried to go any further. I could see the beach, and people down there, and I thought I'd seen a way to get there, but it wasn't very safe. Plus, it was getting dark and if I couldn't get all the way down, I'd have to go back the way I came, which would not be very easy in the dark. So I turned around before it was too late. Climbed back up, which involved scrambling up muddy slippery hills then resting at level spots. I thought I was lost a few times, and got kinda scared I'd be stuck there all night. And god, it was exhausting too, scrambling up the hills, getting scratched all to hell because it was too dark to see the thorny bushes. Sure it was fun in retrospect, but next time I think I'll take the stairs (I did get cool pictures though).

I see this as a metaphor telling me to go to San Fran. Choosing between the harder, more uncertain path with the desitination in sight but no clear way to get there, or the easier but more stable way knowing I'll reach my destination. I regretted going the first way. Getting my BA now might lead me to a dead end, with no way to get to the beach and I'll have to turn around and try a different path altogether, and it'll drain me in the meantime.

I dont think I'll last if I go for my BA now. Especially since I'm not clear on why/if I need it. I'd be able to work harder if I decide to come back later, after I've taken a break from school and have a better idea of what I need the BA for.

What's even more stressful is that I have to decide within the next two weeks because that's when summer school registration starts.
  • Current Music
    Assemblage 23 - king of insects (red sparrow remix)