Don't waste time or time will waste you (phyxius) wrote,
Don't waste time or time will waste you

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skittles part 2

Followup to the skittles post...this guy is insanely hilarious.

For the past half and hour or so I've been falling in and out of consciousness. It's incredibly hard to focus at the moment, but I feel like I must write, so it might sound a little weird. Of course, I'll read it later once I'm more together to see if this makes any sense what so ever. I was up way to late last night and up way to early this morning. I drank 4 cans of Mountain Dew so far, and 2 cups of coke, but I'm still dragging. I'd hate to think what I would be like without the aid of drugs. Well, drugs is kind of a harsh word, let's call them "synthetic stimulating substances".
After doing my rant on Green Apple skittles it came to mine and my friend Sara's attention that it tastes nothing like green apple. As I mentioned in that rant, somewhere in the process of turning green apples into candy, the taste gets altered into something much better. Sara says it's because it's not actually green apple, it's synthetic green apple. And if my mind is working correctly at the moment (which I'm pretty sure it isn't), synthetic means FAKE. Well actually, it means made by man in a laboratory and then tested on rats, but FAKE is close enough. Normally I hate fake things, but for some reason, fake flavor tastes pretty damn good.

This applies to almost all synthetic flavors. Think about strawberry, watermelon, and grape flavored candies for example. They have the very faintest rement of fruit flavor, just enough that you can recognize it, but for the most part, it tastes totally different. It's like the sweet flavor of the fruit, extracted, and then amplified about a kajillion bazillion times. And then they add a ton of liquid sugar.

I think the reason why fruit flavored candy is good and average fruit is not as good is simply because candy tastes better. If they were exactly the same, why would you buy candy? So obviously they had to make it different and better. And I think the only real reason we associate these flavored candies with fruit flavors is because that's what it says on the wrapper. Other wise we'd just say "Well, this tastes like something sweet and fruity tootie. A little different than that other sweet and fruity tootie tasting thing I had in my mouth before."

My dog just licked my hand. I friggin hate it when she licks my friggin hand.

I bet that if the candy industry changed their ways to make candy taste like real fruit people would start eating candy a lot less. In fact, I know this. Look at all those organic candies. A friend of mine's mother is huge on that organic bull, so everything in their house is pure organic. It's pretty disgusting, I'm surprised my friend hasn't killed himself yet. And I'm equally surprised that the organic stuff hasn't killed him yet. In any case, one time I grabbed a piece of candy out of their candy jar and put it in my mouth and it was the most disgusting candy I had ever had. Isn't that an oxymoron? Disgusting candy, well if it isn't yet, I just invented it and that means somebody owes me some money. Where's the money?! SHOW ME THE MONEY!

So anyway, this organic candy tasted like real fruit and it tasted horrible! You see, if you try to directly translate fruit flavor into candy without adding all kinds of preservatives, chemicals, and other poisons it just doesn't work. The flavor gets all screwed up and just tastes bitter and organic. And let me assure you, anything that has the taste of "organic" is immediately doomed. It's a good thing there are weirdoes out there that believe that the aluminum in toothpaste will give you Alzheimer's and that the ground up rabid rats in hamburger will send you into convulsions, otherwise all those organic farmers would starve! They'd be left with nothing but that rotten candy of theirs and they'd finally be forced to pay for giving candy a bad name.

My ribs hurt for some reason, though, and I think it has to do with either all the Mountain Dew I drank or the massive amount of green apple skittles I've eaten lately. They probably had a bad chemical reaction and are eating me from the inside out. That's another thing, synthetic flavor just doesn't make candy what it is, it makes soda too! Mountain Dew is supposed to have the flavor of mountain dew I guess, but it sure doesn't taste like it. Dew tastes like water most of the time, unless you happen upon a patch that a dog likes to hang around. Mountain Dew tastes like citrus something I guess, even though it really doesn't. I'm not even sure about the taste, and that's because it's synthetic! Same with grape and orange Minute Maid, Sprite, Cherry Coke, and any of the other crazy flavored sodas out there. They don't taste like they say they taste...they taste like synthetic fruit! That's why we drink them, and that's also why our teeth fall out so early.

There must be a better reason for synthetic fruit flavor tasted so much different than real fruit flavor besides "because it's synthetic". That just doesn't seem to cut it for me, and I doubt it cuts it for you too, my able minded readers (well, that goes out to the few of our readers who are actually able minded). After about fifteen minutes of sitting out on my hot deck it came to me that maybe the Red Worm is responsible for this flavor changing. You know about the Red Worm don't you? Well, you ought to, since it threatens the internet of each and every single nerd on the planet, even the biggest nerd of them all, the king nerd, Nerd Incarnate, Bill Gates. The Red Worm is a virus that was unleashed by those crafty communists, the Chinese. It infects windows based servers, and on the 28th of every month it launches out a ton of info to the White House. This is terrible news, and not only because they'll soon find out about all that illegal porn I have, but also because it's likely to have infected the computers in candy factories everywhere! The same computers that decide which amount of which substance goes into the flavor mix to make candy taste like fruit! So, this computers go on the fritz and start mixing things up however they want, and then on the 28th of every month, the computers send all the real fruit flavor to the White House, leaving only the sugar, water, and other sugar left, with the faint remnants of fruit flavor that might have been absorbed into the water. Wait...did I say terrible up there? Now you can really tell that I'm tired. That's excellent news! The Red Worm is keeping candy taste like goodness and love. All hail the Chinese, them and all their damned worms! They know how to make their candy!

I'm figuring it's only a matter of time before they make real fruit taste like synthetic fruit. It's probably possible, they'll just have to alter it's genetic makeup, something like that. All of a sudden fruit sales will go up, because people will then be able to believe that they're eating healthy and eating candy at the same time. They just got a great deal! My God I hate it when I'm this tired. I'm talking out of my ass, about how candy tastes better than fruit. Well no crap! It's candy! It's supposed to! I'm going to take a nap, and no more candy for me, I haven't taken my worm medication recently, so I'm at risk.
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